In Session
by transslayer
Summary: Faith is in prison for two years, regularly seeing a therapist. She has a real through on her feelings about Buffy in this session.


Faith sat in a waiting room with two guards. She was in hands cuffs, but didn't mind too much; she knew this was procedure. Today was her anniversary. She'd been in prison for two solid years. Angel had come by last week to congratulate her on that.

"Redemption's a tricky path," he had said. "You've been doing the right thing, staying in here. I'm proud of you."

Faith smiled remembering Angel tearing up with real pride when he said that. It was the first time someone was proud of her for doing something she choose. Faith made a mental note to bring up this fact in session.

A few more minutes ticked by until finally Faith's number was called over a PA system and a gate unlocked to the left. The guards removed the handcuffs and escorted her to through the gate into the slim brick hallway that lay beyond it. A row of doors lined the right side of the hallway while fencing lined the other. It always reminded Faith of being in a kennel.

The second door on the right opened and out walked a tall woman dressed in dark grey slacks, a maroon long sleeve v-neck sweater with a white under shirt, and black,yet stylish, steel toed boots. Her wavy auburn hair was pulled back in a tight pony tail that whipped around as she moved.

"Oh, good! Hello, Faith!" the woman greeted. "Sorry for the wait. Just doing some paperwork. Come in, come in." She ushered Faith into the room beyond the open door she had just emerged from while simultaneously bidding adieu to the two officers that brought Faith down.

"Hey, Kate," Faith murmured as she took her usual seat.

Faith always sat in the arm chair closest to the door. Faith had originally chosen this seat years ago in case she needed to hightail it out of there, but now, she found that she enjoyed the fake view the chair was aimed at. A beautiful and gigantic photograph hung on the far wall, spread across three frames. Kate had told her the photograph was by Nicola Watschong, a sunrise shot in Cork County Ireland. Faith had spent hours staring at it before she finally spoke in a session with Kate.

It took Faith three months of biweekly sessions to say a single word to Kate. The slayer didn't do this out of stubbornness, just out of fear. Even though she had began the path of redemption, she wasn't so sure how reconciliation would be; it seemed to difficult to be anything but a hardened shell, trying desperately to atone quietly out of sight.

"So, how have things been since we last met?"

Kate always started sessions this way. The repetition was comforting; Faith never felt any pressure to answer with anything profound or serious. It was nice.

"Well, today's my two year. Bet the block's busy hangin' streamers." Faith answered somewhat sarcastically. Kate chuckled at this.

"Is this cause for celebration?" Kate asked as her deep hazel eyes caught Faith's. Those kind, unassuming eyes is what made therapy the easiest and hardest thing for Faith.

"Yeah, I guess. Sponsor came by last week. Told me he was proud. It felt," Faith inhaled deeply, looking down at the concrete floor. "It felt good to hear that from him. I guess what I'm doing is actually worth it, you know? Even if he's the only one that really understands."

"It must be a new feeling for you, to know that someone else understands." Kate reflected in a delicate tone from her adjacent armchair.

"Yeah," Faith whispered, "it's, crazy."

After a moment of silence, Kate asked, "Crazy that someone could understand you?"

"Crazy that someone could care to." Faith continued to stare at the floor as she spoke. Damn five minutes in and we're already going that deep, huh.

Kate nodded her head at this. She had heard the horror stories of Faith's childhood along with the DCF files from Boston. It broke her heart that Faith had been failed so many times. Kate's eyes reflected a warm, sadness Faith had never witnessed from another person before.

"Do you believe I care to understand you?" Kate questioned tentatively.

After another pause, Faith spoke up. "Yeah, I do. Didn't at first, but I believe you care to understand me, on a different level, though. I've told you things no one else knows about. But I guess, no one else has ever asked. Kinda tips the scale in your favor."

"Yeah, I suppose it does."

"You're not connected to anyone from my past, so that helps. You don't judge me."

"That's often why many people begin therapy, to not be judged." Faith caught Kate's eye contact for a second, seeing raw understanding and empathy. "Have you made any reconnections with people from your past?"

Kate knew this was a touchy subject for most of the inmates she saw, but particularly Faith. She had such complex emotions about the people from Sunnydale, where she had spiraled and committed her worst crimes. The woman she had been closest to there caused the most confused and complicated emotions ranging from pure rage to extreme guilt and depression. These feelings had remained so unexplored and raw that Kate still hadn't heard Faith refer to this woman by name. She was only ever "she" or "her."

"No, they don't want to hear from me." Faith said downtrodden. "It's probably for the best. I was awful to her."

"Have you tried writing to her? Even if you never send the letter?"

"No it's too difficult. I start thinking about her, and it just...it takes me back to when everything was a fuckin' mess. I don't wanna be that girl anymore. The girl she knows I am."

"You're afraid that if you contact her to tell her you've changed, she will reject that?"

"Yeah...I know she will."

"Do you feel you fear that she would be right in saying that you haven't changed?"

Faith bit her lip. "She'd never believe I changed. And I...I'd believe her if she told me I didn't."

"You would trust her judgement of you, even if it may not be accurate."

"She's Buffy. Her word is the word."

Kate paused, allowing both of them to experience the fact that Faith had finally said the woman's name out loud. Buffy. The person who Faith agonized over the most in session and undoubtedly out of session.

Kate watched as Faith's face contorted in sadness and disgust. Faith's mind was somewhere else, thinking back to the times she had spent with Buffy in the past.

Buffy chained to the wall of Angel's mansion, staring Faith full in the face. Her hazel eyes showing nothing but contempt and even hatred. "There's a word for people like you, Faith. Loser." Blind rage consumed Faith as she screamed and stabbed the wall next to the blond slayer's head.

Faith's mind crashed quickly back to the present, and she was met by hazel eyes again, belonging this time to Kate. Her acceptance evident in her gaze.

"Would you like to share where you just went, Faith?" Kate knew this could be a critical turning point for Faith. She could either open up completely, or shut down. Kate knew to tread carefully.

"I did a lot of terrible things to her. Some things I've told you about. But the crazy shit is, I just...I wanted to be close to her."

"You wanted her friendship?" Kate asked.

"Yeah. More. More than anything."

Silence fell again as Faith continued to stare at the floor. Her mind was racing with thoughts and flashes of everything to do with Buffy. An odd mix of actual memories, some light, some dark, with fantasies and dreams Faith has had filled her brain.

In Angel's basement apartment in LA, Faith stared in shock at the presence of Buffy. "Buffy, I-" Faith began only to be cut off by the blond. "If you apologize to me, I will beat you to death."

Tears began to well in Faith's eyes. She quickly grabbed several tissues from the box on the table between Kate's chair and hers. Kate spoke as Faith dabbed her eyes tenderly.

"It seems this relationship has caused you some heartache."

In spite of her own sadness, Faith chuckled. "Yeah, some."

Kate watching as Faith blew her nose, composing herself again. She couldn't help but feel her own heart break just a little bit more for the incarcerated woman before her. Kate remained quiet, giving Faith the floor to continue the discussion.

After another few moments Faith continued, "You know plenty about what happened with her; probably even guessed how I felt about her. Honestly I don't know how I feel now about her, about everything that went down." Faith inhaled deeply and exhaled slowly. One of the tricks Kate had taught her over the years to center herself. "I wish I could apologize to her, that's all. I just want her to know I'm sorry."

Kate cleared her throat slightly. "Is that all you want, Faith? Really?"

Faith caught Kate's hazel eyes to see understanding in her knowing stare. "If I could have anything...it would be to go back and make things right."

"What would make things right for you?" Kate questioned as she readjusted her crossed legs.

"I wouldn't kill those people. I wouldn't get out of control."

"I believe that would make it right according to the law. Probably might make it right even to Buffy. But what would make it right, really right according to you, Faith?"

Kate had an inkling what would make it right for Faith. They had tiptoed around the subject for well over a year in session, never quite naming it for what it was. It was time for a break through.

The old Faith would have responded to Kate's question with nothing but false bravado, alluding to sexual encounters with a man who could "get it right" and other obscenities. But Faith had changed. This was most evident by the honesty of her statement.

"For me, what would have been right...what I wanted was to be noticed by her."

"Forgive me if I'm pushing you, Faith, but I believe that you wanted more than to be noticed."

Had Kate's tone been anything but soft, calm, and reassuring, Faith would have shut down instantaneously.

"I wanted her to love me. Like I love her." Faith inhaled quickly to keep the fresh tears at bay, but it only lasted a second. Tears burst from her eyes as she finally broke down. Her mind swam again in memory and fantasy; remembering the night she had broken down in Angel's arms.

"I'm bad! I'm evil! Kill me! Just kill me!" Faith screamed as she pummeled fruitlessly against Angel's chest. Rain fell hard around them as Faith cried into a now slim shoulder. She looked up from the cradle of arms holding her to see Buffy's face watching her. "It's okay, Faith. Nothing will hurt you now. You'll get better."

Faith had fantasized about Buffy being the one to help her every night since she entered prison. She continued to cry with her face in her hands as Kate's warm and worried gaze followed her.

"That must...That must have been so difficult to love someone as you much you do, Faith, and feel like you weren't noticed. Is it okay if I be frank with you for a moment?"

Faith nodded her head as she sniffled into another tissue she pulled from the stack.

"I believe, I know that you are filled, bursting at the seams, with love. The only emotions you contain more of than that is your desire to be loved. You had a rough go, to say the least, early on in life, and you certainly proved you can survive it. You're evidence sitting right here in front of me." She offered Faith a small smile. "You have changed for the better. You've grown and learned how to channel your emotions. As wonderful as all this is, I understand how not being returned on your love to this woman, that you still feel so strongly, can make you feel like you haven't changed."

Kate paused to let her words sink in. Tears still streamed down Faith's face, but they appeared to be slowing. Inhaling deeply yet again, Faith stared Kate full in the face, capturing those hazel eyes, seeing, not pity, but empathy, understanding, pride. Faith had wished to see those things reflected in the hazel eyes of one blond slayer from her past. Faith knew now that she deserved more.

"Buffy was my life when I didn't have one." she began slowly. "Everyone from back there thinks that i wanted to be Buffy, take over her friends, family, and boyfriends. I just wanted to be important to her. She was everything to me, and I turned out to be nothing to her."

"From what we discussed in past sessions, Faith, I imagine that you feel responsible for the negative feeling she harbors."

"Yeah. I do."

"What are you going to do to change that, now that you've changed, now that you have the tools you didn't have before. Now that you have at the very least I can assume, two people that care about your well-being and future." Kate assured with a smile that lit up her eyes.

Swallowing, Faith stared into the sun depicted on the wall behind Kate for a moment contemplating her answer. Angel is there for me. I know he cares, and now it feels right. I guess Kate was including herself as person two in that. It so strange that these two know the worst things about me, but they seem to care the most. I trust them.

"I think," Faith began hesitantly. She cleared her throat. "I think, I'm going to write Buffy that letter."

THE END


End file.
